Awake

It's almost 1 am. I should be asleep. The baby could wake any minute. I should be asleep. I haven't gotten more than 5-6 hours in weeks. I should be asleep. I am recovering from a virus and high fever. I should be asleep. I don't know what challenges tomorrow holds. I should be asleep.

I can't sleep.

Why?

It might be the fact that I am starving from a over 4 weeks of a bland basic carb diet for a colicky baby. My stomach doesn't seem to stay full, and often rumbles about this time at night. It might be the fact that I watched Biggest Loser tonight and started thinking about the weight I feel I need to lose. It might be the fact that my heart is so heavy for some friends that just lost a precious baby girl at 29 weeks gestation, and I saw her little footprints tonight at their house, and held the hand of my dear friend as she cried. I cried too, the whole way home. It might be the fact that I caught a few minutes of "Tabatha's Salon Makeover" tonight and missed doing hair. It might be the fact that I am so thankful my 4 year old didn't choke on the nut he swallowed today. (that's a whole other post..) It might be the fact that I am trying to figure out where the tiny bit of money we have should go this week: to replace the broken washer that flooded my hallway and sends me to the laundromat with 3 kids, to the toilet that won't completely flush without you taking the lid off the tank and manually flushing it, to the medical bills we are behind on paying, for Christmas gifts, or towards a new salon chair so I can work again, so there isn't so "little" money.

I don't know. Perhaps it's all of that.
But here I am.
Awake.

My Bible is open on my desk, where I left it a few days ago. What do you have to say to me God? There is a reason this weary woman is awake, instead of gaining the much needed sleep my body cries for.
My son's "bebe" (a.k.a. pacifier) is laying here. I move it away.
Revealed is Psalms 63
You will need to read it for yourself to get the un-modified version.
Here is what it said to me:

"Abbe. I am your God. My spirit in you knows this. It knows you need me right now.
You need to seek me.
You are right, you are hungry, your body longs for me. Things seem hard right now. Like there is little hope. Like there is no water in the dry land." (vs. 1)

"Remember how you have seen me, felt me, heard me in the sanctuary? In praise and worship? In prayer? In fellowship? You have beheld my glory, my power. It is the same power and glory that will sustain you at home. The same power that is sitting in the recliner while you nurse in the middle of the night. It's the same power that tells you to stop and breathe when the boys color on the wall or break out into a screaming fight. It's the same power that gave you a few minutes to throw together a meal in a hectic day so you could feed your mourning friends, and the glory that is Me, giving them strength to endure their horrible loss. It is my power that will make ends meet, yes, even this week, when the two most important appliances in your full house aren't working." (vs 2-3)

"Abbe, you will praise me. For as long as you live."
"Abbe, my love is better than life."
"Abbe, your soul will be satisfied. You won't stay hungry. You won't stay sad. You won't stay tired. You will praise me even now." (vs 3-5)

"You can sleep now. On your bed tonight, you will stop. You will think of ME. In the watches of the night, I will be your help. Your soul will cling to me. You are under the shadow of my wing." (vs 6-8)

Goodnight.

Mother of the Year

I have to admit, I am a mess. I haven't showered in 4 days. A quick sponge bath while the baby cries and my kids brush their teeth, maybe. But no good long hot shower. I have a "perma-pony." You know, when you don't wash your hair for days and you think that if you take out the pony holder it will stay... yeah. I haven't worn full on makeup. Except when Maggie was dedicated. I have two huge zits from not washing my face or taking car of my skin. When it's time for me to finally get in bed, no 3 step skin regimen here. Yep, that's spit up on my shirt and neck. I would also like to point out the massive pile of unfolded laundry. Yes, it is in the bassinet. No, the baby is not in there. (note perma-pony and adolescent complexion)

I know what your thinking... "that is a really strange jean embroidery.." Well, my friends. It's a lollipop stick. I must have sat on it after the boys so nicely left it on a chair. I have no idea how long I walked around with it stuck there. The sad thing is, this is the second time this has happened.

Proof of potty training. Now girls, I know you are jealous of my urine sprinkled sweats and lovely beige socks. Don't try to duplicate this look- it's done only by a two year old who didn't "point down" while holding him on the potty.

I don't think I even had time later to change. hmmm.

Regardless of my beauty and the evidence of how organized I am, I would like to mention the several "color" days I have forgotten for Dakota's preschool, and the projects I said I would have done that are still on my desk. You may submit your votes for Mom of Year anytime.

Thankfully, this verse reminds me of what is not dependent on my winning this prize,

It reminds me that "rest, my soul, is in God alone. My hope comes from him. HE alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and and my honor depend on GOD." (psalms 62:5-7)

Thank goodness it depends on Him, not my hair, my makeup, my clothes, or even my laundry being done. Pheww....

Colic Confessions

Warning: this post is rated BH [brutally honest]
Not intended for warm fuzzies, or hopelessly optimistic readers

Colic.
Just the word gives me a physical and emotional response. If you have ever experienced even 20 minutes with a colicky baby, you understand. It can send even the most patient person over edge. It is one of the hardest elements of parenthood I think my short 5 years have experienced.

The thing about colic, is yes, it does go away. Eventually. That seems to be the thing that keeps parents of colicky babies going. But while you are in the midst of colic, 2 minutes seems like 2 hours.

When I had Dakota, I knew very little about colic. I had my own preconceived thoughts about colic, as I am sure every new mom, or even un-experienced parent does.
Here were some of my thoughts:
"That baby is just over stimulated."
"The mother is high strung and stressed, the baby senses it and she doesn't know how to soothe it."
"That is a STUBBORN baby! so strong willed! Geez!"

Dakota fussed basically when he was sleepy or hungry. Even wet diapers didn't seem to phase him. Don't get me wrong-he wasn't a breeze- we had our shares of nursing battles, and he need to eat every 1.5 to 2 hours. Round the clock. BUT- he was NOT colicky. I read the book "Happiest Baby on the block" by Harvey Karp.
The 5 s's worked like a charm. He loved to be swaddled and love white noise. To this day- it soothes him. In the book he explained that colic had nothing to do with the intestines, nor did it have to do with gas, the mothers diet, or pain of any sort. Simply the baby needed a "4th trimester."
I will say in Dr. Karps defense, yes, swaddling, shushing, sucking, swinging and side positions are all instant soothers for a fussy baby. Unless your baby is in pain. Most of the time, it only makes it worse. Along came my Creyton John and confirmed this with gusto.
Creyton started out fussing after meals. He was a spitter. You better have a burp cloth handy- or even a towel. Our pediatrician started him on prevacid before meals. Nothing. The spitting was slightly better, but the fussing increased by the day.
Soon he was screaming for hours on end. Nothing worked. He HATED the car. I mean hated it. Being enclosed with a screaming baby should be considered torture, or cruel and unusual punishment. Dakota was 2 at the time, with no understanding of why babies cry, and the patience of well, a, 2 year old, began screaming in the car too. It was horrible. So, we never went anywhere. And if you are a parent, you know that just the smallest outing can do wonders for your cabin fever head.
Creyton would settle for just a few minutes while bouncing on an exercise ball. If you were around us the first 6 months of his life, you either sat and talked while one of us was on the ball, or you were on the ball yourself! (my girlfriends are laughing reading this because they all did it!)
Several months later, he began to settle down, and his fussing was decreasing in time. I was a nervous and emotional wreck. Adam came home from a long day of framing to screaming, and dreaded coming home. I would sit for hours in the laundry room with the dryer on, bouncing on that stupid ball. Adam would leave at 5 am and I was on that ball. He came home at 5 pm and I was on that ball. The noise and bouncing would help temporarily. It never totally settled him, but it distracted him for a few minutes. A few minutes of quiet was pure gold to the hours of screaming.
Here is a list of things tried at our house for colic:
-all the s's: swaddling, sucking, swaying, you name it
-warm rolled up towel on the belly
-tummy or "colic" hold (see picture above)
-bouncing. LOTS of bouncing
-prevacid
-gas drops, gripe water
-a drive in the car
- the vacuum
-infants suppositories to help move the bowels.

As you can see we have tried it All. What parent of a colic baby hasn't. If it's suggested, you try it. Anything to soothe your baby, and to get peace, just a little bit of peace.

When I was pregnant with Maggie, my fears came rushing in like flood waters of Creyton's infant days. I have no sweet memories of him as a new baby. I can't even picture what life was like then. I just remembered the fatigue, feelings of failure, and hopelessness I felt as he cried for hours.
I prayed she wouldn't have colic. I told God I couldn't do that again. I needed to have a baby that was easy. After all God, I have two rambunctious boys. I can't deal with colic too!
Maggie did great the first few days of life. It seemed like within days of my milk coming in that Maggie began to be uncomfortable after eating. She was a grunter. She worked so hard to pass gas and poop. Then in the evening she became super fussy.
She wasn't going to be colicky. NO. I wouldn't allow it. She was just having "fussy time." Not my sweet little girl. Not again. We did this already. No God. No. I can't do colic again.
In my mind I equated colic babies with "bad babies." You know what I mean. People come to visit your new little baby and the first question they ask, "is she a good baby?"
Ok- what does this mean? If my baby is crying and fussy, this means she is automatically bad?? So, you say politely, "she has a bit of colic."
"ohhh." the kind friend says. "I am sorry."
Then your sweet baby is now shed in a new light. She is a time bomb. She has colic. How sad.
Don't move that baby. She has colic. Don't wake that baby. She has colic. Don't hand her over to someone. She has colic.
Then comes what I like to call the postpartum cocktail. It's a nasty mixture of :

-raging hormones dipping and spiking trying to level out after 9 months of an estrogen induced hormone roller coaster,

-sleep deprivation (note, most foreign countries use sleep deprivation as a form of torture.) from not only a waking baby every 2-4 hours, but from a day of grueling labor that you never really get to recover from,

-feelings of self consciousness from a body that looks like a misshapen balloon animal with bulges and rolls in places that are supposed to be arms, legs, and a waist,

-and add a splash of a inconsolable crying baby that you are supposed to be able to comfort,

and you my friend have yourself a mean postpartum cocktail.

After being a little drunk from the postpartum cocktail, you start hearing voices like this:
"It's your fault." "You should be able to help your baby. She doesn't like you. Things would be better if you left. Why are you so tired? look at so and so... she is out and about with her kids, you should be too. Look at her, she looks great, even wearing her old jeans, geez, you look horrible. The fridge is empty again. Why can't you keep up? You weren't supposed to be a mother. Good mothers don't cry like this."

Like I said, this is rated BH.

Here's where this story turns a bit. Mothers can handle crying when they know they can fix it. If somebody gets a booboo, a kiss, band-aide, and love stops the crying. If someone is crying in the crib from being tired, you know a lullaby and snuggle will stop the crying. If your baby has colic, is turning red from pain, screams while pumping her legs and thrashing her arms, you don't know how to fix it. Until you meet Doctor S.
A friend shared her story about how Doctor S. helped her baby. Then on facebook I hear a few more stories of Dr. S.
I am desperate.
I called.
I am amazed at this man's heart for colic babies. Not only has he researched and proven a treatment for colic over the past 30 years, he offers his services to anyone, for FREE. Yes. For free.
Maggie is in her 3rd week of treatment with Dr. S. He has helped her in so many ways. But what he is really doing is helping me. I have sat on the table while he treats her and weaped. Weaped from fatigue, helplessness, fear, and guilt. Every time we leave Maggie is peacefully asleep, and calm and sweet. Sometimes she even sleeps for hours after leaving, as if her body were finally able to relax. He spends time applying gentle pressure to her tummy, strengthening the valve that is leaking causing a painful buildup of gas and feces in her little tummy. It is amazing. When we started, her belly was hard, distended, and she wasn't pooping. After treatment, it is soft, pliable, and she is like a "noodle, " relaxed and peaceful. He taught me how colic is painful, and reminded me of how we feel with gas pains. It's uncomfortable and painful. There are several babies born with a week valve, that causes the intestine to fill with gas, resulting in a colicky reflex. Not only did he explain colic to me, but he has taught me how to read her body language and signs of hunger, pain, and sleepiness.
We are not 100% better yet, but we are getting there. I look forward to sharing the rest of this journey with you.
I hope that if you too have had a colicky baby, that you can relate to this story,and that you don't feel so alone. I know this is why people shake babies, commit horrible crimes, and why mothers "snap." We don't talk about it enough, and no one I know has been "brutally honest" about the truth of colic. It steals your mommy joy- and hurts your little baby. The baby isn't "bad." The baby isn't "mad" or "doesn't" like you. Nor is the baby stubborn, or strong willed. The baby is a month old. It doesn't have the intelligence to "not like you, or be strong willed." It's just hurting. And it's about time we figure out how to help these babies!

If you would like to know about Dr. S, visit, http://www.doctorsfamily.com/

A few quick thoughts

There are lots of posts, piled up in my foggy brain just waiting to be typed out. I haven't had the time, energy, or focus to sit and type then. When I do, they will be worth waiting for, I assure you! There have been some good stories since Maggie's birth.

Until then, here are a few thoughts swirling around.

I love watching my boys marvel at their sister. I see a new softness, wonder, and love growing in each of their hearts, in a unique way for each of them.

I love seeing Creyton bring me a pacifier, blanket, or toy, saying "here mommy!" with great pride that he has brought something for his sister. (even if we don't need it!)

I love seeing Maggie curled up in her daddy's arms, sleeping like it's the safest place in the world. (Isn't that how daddy's arms are supposed to be?)

I love how every diaper change is a family event. The boys gather around and cheer for every bodily function Maggie has.

"That was a good poop Maggie!"

"Whoa! That was a big toot Maggie!"

"Maggie, you lost your cord! Now you have a belly button! Yeah!"

"Good burp sis!"

I hate how fast it's going. I feel like it's still October 17th, and it's just been one long day. Here she is, one month old, and I am already sad she fills out her little newborn sleepers now, even a little snugger than before.

I hate how tired I am. That I feel like every day is survival and some days I don't remember what I did 5 minutes ago.

I hate that I don't have 5 arms, 5 legs, and 5 extra hours in the day, to spend with each of these precious people I share I home with.

I hate that I let Satan steal my joy some days, and that the notorious "mom guilt" can get the best of me.

I am relying solely on Jesus, to get me through the weak moments, the minutes I feel I could crumble from fatigue, frustration, or moments of being overwhelmed.

I remember posting a few months back that I couldn't imagine what life would be like with three, but when it happened, so would the grace.

I am happy to report. The grace is here. It is sufficient, it is enough.

It hasn't failed, it wasn't late, it was more than I needed.

Hard to believe...

Maggie Pauline Doll

Named after my dad (Paul Callaway, and Adam's late Grandmother, Doris Pauline Doll)

It's hard to believe almost week ago I sat in a hospital bed posting how thankful we were to finally able to get Maggie delivered. It has truly been a whirlwind since then. I can't even put into words the gratitude I feel for how smoothly the delivery went after the stress of the 48 hours before. Having an amnio was one of the scariest things I have even done. Then the waiting and and the feeling of frustration as my baby's health and mine was determined by a number the hospital (or it's insurance lawyers) felt was suitable.

Around 2:30 that Friday morning I started contracting, and by 4 am I was ready to soak in the fabulous Jacuzzi tub. As soon as I got out and dried off, I was hooked up to pitocin to get things going faster than they already were. The doctor didn't want me to have a long labor in fear of my blood sugar crashing again. Well, that was no problem considering how fast it all went!

Grandmas and Aunts ready to meet Maggie!

Adam called my mom around 7 and told her to get ready! I am willing to bet she already was. Kerry came around 9:30 after getting my boys dressed and ready for school and mom's day out. My sisters Brandi and Molly arrived shortly after as well. *thankfully I was blocked by then and they didn't see me angry and in pain, or they might not ever have babies!*

I went from 4 cm to 10 in less than 90 min. I had the perfect epidural, the pain was minimal, but I still felt every contraction and lots of pressure. With the boys I didn't feel much at all, so I never knew when to push.

Adam was an awesome coach. So gentle and patient with me. He never let go of my hand of was far from my bed. His care and love for me was so evident. Even after she was born, I had to tell him to go look at his daughter, he didn't want to leave me.

Daddy looking in awe at his new daughter
Some Snuggles with mommy

I was so thankful also to share this experience with the amazing women in my life. It was a miracle I felt my mom's and sisters could enojy, they tearfully accepted. I am usually not big on having people in the room, but being our 1st daughter, and last baby, it felt right. I don't regret it at all. My sisters, Molly and Brandi (A little emotional!)

By the time Dr. Fueille arrived, I was crowning and taking lots of shallow breaths, wishing I had gotten more epidural at this point!

Our doctor flew in from a surgery across the street, threw on his scrubs and booties, and after a few good pushes, our little Maggie was born, at 11:48 am. She had a head full of dark hair (explains the heartburn!) and beautiful.

Maggie a few minutes old

There were tears all across the room, and my heart and body finally relaxed, took a deep sigh of relief as I looked at my healthy baby.

Skin to skin with mommy. I am so happy here.

I would have to stay it still hasn't sunk in. Even after 5 days now.

Meeting her big brothers!

Miss Maggie weighed in at 6 lbs 6 oz. and stretched out to 19 inches long. A little peanut...

I am so in love with her. As well as her daddy- she already has melted his heart. I have lots of good stories to post about our transition , but frankly, I am exhausted, and it took a miracle to sit and type this. Here are some more pictures and look for some more to come!

let the countdown begin....

Today has been so long. After a rocky morning I headed to my ob. He was in agreeance that it was time to deliver. Things got rocky when all 3 doctors decided to induce but that wasn't good enough for the hospitals new (stupid) rule. I was required to have an amnio. I was terrified. I knew the risks of amnios and it seemed quite sensless considering I was term. The amnio was painful and scary for the both. Of us. We then headed home at 1 (I arrived at 8 am). The waiting began. My precious sisters made the waiting easier with their silliness and funny guesses at the babys middle name. At.4 I got the reults that we were good to go. After pickin up the house and some sweet last times as a family of four, we headed to nana's to get the boys settled. We are now in the hospital, getting sugars checked hourly and awaiting labor to start. We are going to use pitocin if nothing happens tonite. Thank you for praying for me and being my cheerleaders to fight for induction. - I am tired from an emotional day, but so thankful God answered my prayers. He is such a good daddy- I am glad to experience one more miracle he has chosen me for. I am also thankful for adam's phone so I could post. Thanks again for the prayers, encouraging emails and texts. We feel so loved!

Hoping

I have been up since 4 am. For some strange reason, my blood sugars are dropping at a moments notice and getting dangerously low. At 4:45 I woke up feeling nauseous. At 4:50 my blood sugar was 28. If you know anything about diabetes, you know this is L_O_W! Adam sprinted to the kitchen and we got it back up. This is the second time this has happened this week.

This baby needs to come. I know my body- and I think it's reached it's limit. I have an OB apt this am- biophysical at 8:30 and Doc at 9:30. I am so nervous they will want to keep playing "mystery diagnosis" with my blood sugars and I could have a scary episode again. Basically the end of pregnancy is a volatile time for diabetics. It becomes much harder to control.
The hospital we deliver at is making it very difficult to induce labor. Several docs have abused this privilege (inducing for non-medical reasons such as a special date, family ect) and now docs have to submit a request to a board to induce.
If this isn't reason enough to induce, I think I might bust at the seems! I am so fearful that my baby will be born with blood sugar issues if we keep up any longer.
Praying and hoping that today we will move forward and get the show on the road.

Things I am praying:
Wisdom and sense of urgency from the doctors
Induction Today
Safe and smooth Labor
Safe, easy delivery
Baby's blood sugars: that they won't need to supplement or do an iv- that we will be able to nurse right away.
Mom's blood sugars to stay stable during labor, and postpartum
God would prepare my heart for whatever the doc says and the upcoming decisions.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers too! We are so ready to hold our daughter, know she is ok- and kiss her face. This has been A LONG JOURNEY!

Hoping my next post is of her birthday.....